We hear a lot about this word, Trust, and what it means in relationships. The dictionary defines trust as “a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something.” An alternative definition gets more pointedly to how trust is manifest in relationships: “acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation.”
If you are open-hearted and vulnerable when you begin your relationship, trust is assumed. Any red flags at this point will rock the foundation from the start. The red flags will bring on questions and doubts. And then you will wonder: Can I trust this person? Should I trust this person? Do I trust this person? Those types of questions at the beginning of the relationship are your inner voice – the one that always knows the way – talking to you. You may be lonely. You may just want have someone. But listen to that inner voice if you are asking questions about trust from the start. Your heart will thank you.
Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that there are no early red flags. That, at that moment of being chosen by the other, you know – automatically – in your bones, that this person is special: this is someone you know you can trust, for reasons you can’t begin to explain. What should trust look like in your daily life as you go down the path of a committed relationship together?
First and foremost, you must be able to trust that your partner will be sexually faithful. This one is the bedrock. Sex distinguishes this relationship from all of your other connections with others in the world. Unless you explicitly agree to an open marriage or some other form of polyamory, your chosen one must be your one and only.
We need to believe in our relationships that we are truly loved for who we are, at the core of who we are. A love that is founded on money, prestige or power is a relationship lacking trust at its root. By contrast, a relationship in which we feel that our partner sees all, accepts all and loves all is founded in trust.
We risk our hearts in our relationships. That makes us vulnerable. As we enter into a relationship, we trust that our partner will not intentionally hurt us. Rejection by our partner – emotionally, sexually, intellectually – stings. It is a chink in the trust. Controlling behaviors are another. They suggest an intent on the part of one partner to dominate, rather than meeting the other partner eye to eye. When we believe that our partner has our best interests in mind and acts purposefully from this point, there is trust.
Sometimes it gets rough. A committed relationship brings together two adults to form one life together. If the relationship is healthy, individual autonomy and identity are not lost to the shared couple identity. Disagreement is natural and healthy. Learning to “fight fair” is critical. We have to be able to trust that our partner will hang in there with us in the face of conflict and work it out. If there is trust, we do not fear we will be abandoned for using our voice in the relationship.
Finally, in joining our lives together, we trust that the other person is agreeing to make us a priority. We need to know that we are at the top of the other person’s list and do the same when setting our own goals. Personal fulfillment need not be completely sacrificed to shore up this aspect of trust. But fundamentally, we need to know that when the chips are down, our partner is always there for us. To pick us up, dust us off, and walk forward together with us.