A new password on your partner’s phone. A cleared browser cache. A pop-up message about an online bank charge. A new friend on social media.
Today the signs of infidelity in a relationship can be hard to recognize. There are so just many ways to communicate with others, unseen, in our tech savvy world. Common things can be completely innocent or could be signs of infidelity.
Unfortunately, trust is there in your relationship…until it’s not.
“Cheating” in the form of sexual infidelity, tends to be what you think of first when you consider the possibility that a partner is being unfaithful. According to data from the General Social Survey (GSS), prior to the age of thirty men and women have sex with someone other than their spouse while married with approximately the same frequency. This happens in approximately 10 percent of relationships. But after age thirty, a gap gradually widens with fewer women, and more men, reporting that they cheated on their partners.
There is a correlation between sexual infidelity and divorce, with 40 percent of partners who cheated becoming divorced or separated (Wang, 2018). This form of infidelity is often prompted by sexual needs not being met in the relationship, loneliness, a desire for more sexual encounters, a longing for new experiences, falling out of love with your partner, or wanting revenge upon a partner who has wronged us in some manner such as by cheating themselves (Whitbourne, 2012).
A new form of cheating that is starting to get more attention is financial infidelity. Up to 41 percent of American adults admit to hiding accounts, debts or spending habits from a partner. In comparison to other generations, millennials are nearly twice as likely to hide money or accounts. Digital life makes financial infidelity easy because transactions, statements and even the actual existence of an account can all be maintained and managed electronically. How broadly financial infidelity is defined can vary, but it can include compulsive shopping, gambling habits, or siphoning money off to secret accounts. This form of infidelity may be justified by a disparity in incomes or a sense of inadequacy in comparison to the other partner (Noguchi, 2019).
Then there’s emotional infidelity. This one is a little harder to define. A partner in this form may be actively sought. Or you may become suddenly aware that you would not want your partner to see the contents of the last message you exchanged on Messenger.
When an emotional affair starts, it may be because of seemingly innocuous circumstances such as believing it is easier to explain things to a co-worker who understands firsthand the dynamics of the office, a desire to protect a financially dependent spouse from worries about your employment security, or a need for validation from a like-minded peer. The person engaging in the unfaithful behavior may feel the partner is overreacting because “nothing happened” with the other person. However, it is the act of seeking comfort and support from someone other than your partner that wounds (Bonos, 2017). This is why it is important to keep an eye on the degree of emotional satisfaction and connection in your relationship with your partner.
Regardless of the form that the infidelity takes, it will challenge your bond with your partner. If there is a relationship with someone outside the marriage, it will probably need to be ended unless both partners agree upon an open or polygamous arrangement going forward – or you separate. Trust will need to be restored. Couples counseling, sincere apology and transparency going forward may all help the relationship to continue. But patience, time and true commitment to each other will also be critical.
Bonos, Lisa (2017). Washington Post News page. [online]. Washingtonpost.com. Available at: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2017/09/21/are-you-having-an-emotional-affair-its-hard-to-define-but-heres-how-to-figure-it-out [Accessed 22 July 2019]
Noguchi, Y. (2019). NPR Choice page. [online] Npr.org. Available at: https://www.npr.org/2019/04/29/716452865/keeping-money-secrets-from-each-other-financial-infidelity-on-the-rise [Accessed 22 July 2019]
Wang, W. (2018). Ifstudies Blog page. [online] Ifstudies.org. Available at: https:/ifstudies.org/blog/cheats-more-the-demogaphics-of-cheating-in-america [Accessed 22 July 2019].
Whitbourne, S.K. (2012). Psychology Today Blog page. [online] Psychologytoday.com. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201209/eight-reasons-people-cheat-their-partners [Accessed 22 July 2019].