Do you remember how you first met your partner? What they said. What you said in return. What your partner wore, what you wore. Where you were. It was warm maybe. Or at least you were warm. A flush. A breathlessness.
For a minute, just remember that moment.
It may have occurred fairly recently, or a decade or more ago. But regardless of how many years or months we are talking, chances are you remember.
Because, in that moment, you were chosen.
Remember how that felt – to be chosen – by this mysterious other. Review the story in detail. The moment was powerful. It brought you together. It created a relationship between you and your partner where before there was nothing.
You might travel a bit further down memory lane. The first kiss. A proposal. A wedding. The first home together. Special meals and special times. Becoming parents. Family moments.
Sometimes when a relationship gets difficult, it is easy forget all the good that led to this moment. Using this lens on your life, you focus only on today’s argument, the current struggle, the anger, the hurt. You see only what your partner didn’t do, didn’t say – how they failed to support you.
But remembering that there’s history can be powerful. It can help bring you back to how this all started in the first place.
Our cultural expectations of marriage have changed. In the past, there was more dependency for one partner – usually the woman – who assumed the child care responsibilities. Marriage was about financial stability, procreation, family life and social status. Today it is not uncommon for both partners to be working outside the home. Parenting responsibilities are shared to at least some degree between partners.
As a society, we tend to look to our intimate relationships to fulfill all of our emotional needs. We are so busy running from task to task that we have little time to form other strong connections outside the relationship. At the same time, we assume that the relationship will run on autopilot. We present to our family and community an image of marital bliss. This makes it harder to face the possible existence of any issues in our intimate relationships that could potentially threaten this façade of perfection in which we have invested so much effort.
It is possible to hold onto the fantasy of a perfect relationship, perfect family, perfect everything for quite a while if both partners are complicit in this goal. However, on this pathway you are virtually guaranteed to be desperately unhappy underneath.
If you have gone down this path for any length of time you will be questioning the moment of being chosen: “Did that really happen?” You will have completely lost the spirit of being chosen. You will have lost the feeling of that singular moment - the sense of being attuned to only each other with the background fading into nothingness - everyone and everything else seeming far less important.
Coming to a place in your relationship where you accept that the perfection you have striven for is not there takes courage. For some couples, taking the step to make an appointment for counseling feels like an admission of failure: the original vision of harmony has not been achieved.
The antidote is to remember that moment of being chosen.
Couples counseling can provide an opportunity to create a different kind of relationship. By admitting that help is needed and acknowledging the failure to meet the expectation of perfection of our culture and others around you, there is an opportunity to return to that initial moment: The moment of being chosen. And to start over.