When you first separate, and your or your Ex files for divorce, it can seem like things are moving very quickly. You need to find a lawyer. You have to figure out how all of this works. There are words you may have distantly heard – custody, settlement agreement, parenting plan, litigation, mediation – but never had cause or desire to understand. Suddenly those words are very important. You’re reading up online or studying Amazon offerings. You’re talking to other people who have been through this before you. Or, maybe, you are sitting at home, silently nursing that glass of wine, hoping it’s all just a dream. Paralyzed with the shock of it all still, you’ve hired a lawyer and now you’re just waiting and watching.
Your soon-to-be-Ex may seem ahead – or behind – you on this same path. But you’re no longer comparing notes. It’s a solitary game now. You have lots of questions that do not seem to have clear answers. If you share children these issues loom large: who gets the house, how will time with the children be shared, how will we pay for all of this. And the dog – who gets the dog, anyway?
At first there’s a new rhythm to adjust to. Your place suddenly seems quiet at odd times. You may make a special effort to get out to see friends, pursue new or neglected interests. Or maybe you have moved and there’s all of the usual things about a new place to contend with: changing your address everywhere, a new license, meeting – or avoiding – the neighbors. There are new bank accounts and bills. In short, it’s a lot. And it may seem like that for a while.
If you are fortunate, very early on, you and your partner agree upon the separation and any necessary arrangement of custody. The process goes smoothly. You get along when exchanging the children. Each of you allows the other a new life.For others, though, the road is rocky. And long. It can take a year, or more, for your case to wind its way through the court system. During this time, you may be dealing with your soon-to-be-Ex without a clear set of expectations – with or without the assistance of lawyers – and trying to muddle through each day, each week, each month.
All of this takes a toll. It starts to get old. The friends and family who may have rallied to your side initially often slowly drift into the background. They love and care about you, but they are tired of hearing you vent.
The same unresolved issues are debated back and forth in the court documents, the discovery documents, your calls and meetings with your lawyer, and, probably, your interfaces – text, email, phone, in person – with your soon-to-be-Ex. Variations on the same themes may emerge as the weeks and months pass. You grow bitter and angry about having to talk about the same things over and over.
You look forward to each event on the Court calendar with a mixture of emotions. You have to see your soon-to-be-Ex each and every time: scheduling conference, mediation, settlement conference, status conference. When is this going to end? And there may be legitimate reasons – from each of your perspectives – for not agreeing, for not just “going along with it.” But as time passes, and you and your partner are still not seeing eye to eye, one or both of you may say – in exasperation – “We’re never going to agree. Let’s just let the Judge decide.” That would be the toll of the court process talking.
When you find yourself overwhelmed with questions, needing to talk with no one around to listen, or at the point of giving up and handing decisions for your family over to the Court, a smarter approach is get more support. While the Judge who hears your case may be learned and qualified and appear to have access to a wealth of information in the court documents and records, he or she really knows little about you and your partner. Most of the time the Judge never lays eyes on the children who may be at the center of the litigation.
With more support and the opportunity to process aloud what is happening to you, you may well find a strength and clarity of mind that you thought you did not have. And this may enable you to step up, face your soon-to-be-Ex and together make the decisions that are necessary for your new family life.