You and your partner have been awaiting the birth of your first – or second, or third – child for months. The doctor may be saying all is well with the pregnancy. But as you look at your partner’s growing belly, you are getting more anxious. Everyone around you is talking about how great this is. And you’re smiling along, yes, yes.
But inside you are freaking out. You may be thinking, particularly if this is not your firstborn, about the weeks and months that lie ahead. You may be finding that you are more easily annoyed by the little things. Your head feels all jumbled up. Worse, your partner does not seem to even notice. She’s so caught up in the pregnancy. Maybe you have even tried to drop a few hints. But she’s just marching along, happy as could be, seemingly unaware of your growing distress.
Or, maybe the baby has already arrived. You have had that unforgettable moment: watching your child enter the world. Then you and your partner joyfully brought that bundle home from the hospital. Intellectually, you knew you were having a baby. But now there is an actual person here. A tiny little person who can be very demanding at times. A little one who seems to be able to frustrate and captivate, all at the same time. There is so much to do and, at the same time, so much time sitting around while the baby eats. And sleeps. Eats. And sleeps. Over and over. You had heard all the stories: the sleepless nights, the lack of sex, the loss of time together. But now it’s here in technicolor. Even if you were fully on board with the decision to have a child, this is way more than you expected.
Maybe you are also feeling some pressure to provide for you new family, even if your partner plans to continue working. You may have grown up in a traditional home where your father worked and your own mom stayed home. Or maybe you and your partner planned to be a modern couple, and had every expectation that she would keep working after the baby arrived. Both of you wanted to stay away from traditional gender roles. But now that the baby is actually here, your partner is waffling a bit about going back to work. She’s nursing and all the pumping and storing seems overwhelming. Or the baby is not a “good” sleeper – so you’re both zombies – or not a “good” eater - so there are concerns about weight gain. All of this may be creating worries that you never imagined you might have. Your mind is spinning. You’re overtired and just plain irritated. And nobody seems to be noticing.
You may have had harsh words with your partner - angry words the likes of which you’ve never had between you before. Maybe you’re thinking, “this can’t be happening right now. We have A BABY.” You may have less energy to go to the gym - if you even have the time to get there. Or maybe you’re finding all kinds of excuses not to go home after work: projects that just can’t wait, emails you didn’t quite get to earlier, or maybe even stolen nights out with the guys, trying to keep up with them still and remind yourself that you’re still young. Meanwhile, your partner is at home, waiting for you, calling and asking when you’ll be home to help with the baby.
If any of this sounds familiar, take heart: you are not alone. Some dads muddle through this phase and come out on the other side just fine. But for others, this distressing time becomes a new way of being - and it doesn’t have to be that way. Reach out. Give me a call. Let’s talk.