Feelings of sadness rather this joy may be dominating your days if this is your first holiday season following a divorce. Getting through the holiday season is a milestone in your divorce recovery that should be duly noted.
Maybe you’ve been telling yourself that you’re “over it” and the holiday blues have taken you a bit by surprise. For even those determined to press forward, there are just too many possible triggers. Sharing parenting time for these special days with your Ex often means that you are passing at least some moments without the children. For quite likely the first time, the children may not be with you on Christmas morning to open presents. You may not be able to go on the annual winter break ski trip together. There may not be time to squeeze in the traditional trip to the local holiday light display. This can easily lead to feelings of sadness and loneliness.
Then there’s all those holiday cards and images of perfect family gatherings around a table of plenty in snow-covered hills. If you’re like many divorced folks, there may not be quite enough money to go around for much in the way of holiday extras once all the expenses of two residences have been paid. You may feel shame in not being able to give the same kinds of gifts that you had in the past. The holidays may add also complications to an already complex life with a parenting time schedule and holiday schedule overlay. The holiday tunes may cause your mind to wander to happier days when you held hope that your vision of the perfect family and home would be realized like the songs and movies say.
If any of these things are sounding familiar, here are a few suggestions on how to turn things around:
· Consider establishing new holiday traditions that can be shared by just you and the children when you share parenting time with them.
· Be reasonable in what you take on for the children during your assigned parenting days. A few well-chosen outings are preferable to racing from place to place, only to still feel at the end of the day that you have fallen short in doing all the things you used to do and everyone is cranky.
· Make plans for days when you do not have parenting time with the children and try to follow through.
· At the same time, allow yourself to decline invitations from well-intentioned friends and family members who are seeking to cheer you up when you know these situations would take you beyond your current coping skills. Hopefully next year you will feel stronger.
· Be patient with yourself when unexpected feelings emerge at unexpected times. The holiday trimmings can be veritable emotional landmines that first year or so after the divorce.
· If you are feeling particularly anxious or sad, try designating a specific, limited time of the day to let go and give these feelings your attention. Then, at the end of the prescribed time, force yourself to “get up and go,” back to reality.
· Try to find one thing each day for which you are grateful. Even though much of your daily life is no longer how you would choose it to be ideally, there are still positive things to appreciate if you keep an eye out.
· In the midst of the holiday bustle, make time for self-care. Regular exercise can help lift those feelings of sadness and give you an outlet for your anxiety. Resist the temptation to fill up on holiday treats if your appetite is still limited; this year eating healthier can help keep your emotions more stable.