At its heart, the most basic function of a Parenting Coordinator is to “assist the [co-parents] in amicably resolving disputes about the interpretation of and compliance with the order.” This is language is contained in Maryland Rule 9-205.2, which defines and governs the role of a parenting coordinator.
Sitting with your co-parent and talking about new – or even continuing but unresolved – aspects of your co-parenting may not sound like something that you really want to do. It is also entirely possible that the clause in the Court Order or Agreement appointing a parenting coordinator was not desired by either co-parent, but was recommended by a Best Interest Attorney (BIA) or custody evaluator, or was deemed necessary by the Court.
When working with co-parents, I often find that neither a desire to meet to discuss co-parenting matters nor a willingness to work together for the benefit of the children can be assumed. This is not because either of the parents lacks love or positive wishes for the children. Rather, it is because the prospect of having to have actual conversations with the other co-parent is usually not something that typically appeals to one or both co-parents.
Co-parents who present in court as amicable and able to work together well are seldom referred to my office. When they do come, I am thrilled to assist these co-parent who are truly looking for a neutral space to discuss necessary issues. It is my goal as a Parenting Coordinator to gently nudge all my co-parenting clients towards this sort of business relationship with each other.
Unfortunately, with much greater frequency, I tend to encounter co-parenting pairs who are visibly having difficulty communicating or who present to the Court as bearing continuing ill-will towards each other and having a continuing desire to “do battle.” Not uncommonly, I find one co-parent is actively seeking me out, pointing to the necessity of meeting under the Court Order or Agreement, and overall presenting as more ready and willing to schedule meetings. The other co-parent may not answer emails and may be report a lack of unavailability to meet due to work demands or other scheduling conflicts.
To be frank, sometimes it can be quite difficult to get not only the first meeting, but also subsequent meetings, onto my calendar as a Parenting Coordinator – even when I have been named specifically in an Agreement or Court Order. If the stonewalling co-parent is represented by counsel, sometimes I can engage participation by involving the attorney of record. Sometimes, sadly, I am only able to rally both co-parents to my office once or twice before they quit. Occasionally one co-parent immediately refuses to follow through with what has been ordered or agreed upon, and the matter goes back to the attorneys and Court almost immediately.
Hitches in getting started can be frustrating indeed. In reality, I have no authority to require any co-parent to follow through with the clause in the Court Order or Agreement which provides for participation in parenting coordination. I am not a Judge or Court.
However, I believe that working through this difficult stage is an important step in moving forward through separation and divorce when children are involved. I find that it often comes as a surprise – after weeks, months or years of dealing with each other through court staff, attorneys, custody evaluators, supervised access monitors and best interest attorneys – that eventually it comes back to just you and your co-parent.
Yes, that’s right. Eventually, unless one or both parents have unlimited funds and find ongoing conflict in the Court rewarding in some way, you and your co-parent have to start doing the work of raising your children together even though you are no longer committed to each other as a couple. In my view, while it may be hard at first to face each other and start talking, this will only get harder if there are more court filings and delays. As the saying goes, “there’s no time like the present.” So why not give it a try?