Expectations are a normal way we manage the anxiety of approaching a new experience. While you were pregnant, you likely developed lots of expectations about what it was going to be like to have a child. As you gathered all the newborn gear and prepared the nursery, you probably had visions of gliding away in the corner with your baby peacefully asleep in your arms. Your expectations may also have included plans to mother your baby in ways that were the just the same – or perhaps very different from – the ways that you, yourself, were raised. You and your partner may have shared these expectations related to your parenting.
Now you are here. And new motherhood is not at all what you expected. The baby may be awake all night and sleep all day. The glider may now have become your bed because that is the only way you or the baby sleep at all at night. Your hopes and dreams about thoughtful parenting may have been replaced by plans for your next shower or nap. Every mother goes through a period of adjustment in her expectations after having a baby. Motherhood is just so much more than we imagine – or anyone can explain to us – before we actually experience it.
The expectations of others may also enter the equation. You may feel pressure from friends and family to be out and about with the baby within a week or two. Pressure to bundle your baby up and head to story time at the library or the mother’s group at the park. Pressure to head back to work after ten, rather than twelve, weeks of maternity leave because that’s the norm in your office culture - even if you really, really, really, could use those two more blessed weeks at home, with the hope that this will make you feel a just little bit more like yourself.
Especially if you are dealing with postpartum anxiety and depression, you may asking yourself how there ever got to be so many expectations in the first place. Many of the expectations seem more like fantasies now. I mean, you just pushed a human being out of your body.
When you are struggling with postpartum illness the adjustment in your expectations will need to be greater for your own health and well-being. You have all the same things on your plate as every other new mom. But you most likely won’t have the same energy reserves available to you to address these tasks that other moms do. It can be hard to accept that you can’t keep up with that rabbit wheel of expectations. However, the reality is that your body, mind and spirit is occupied with the task of managing your depression and anxiety on top of your physical recovery from the birth and taking care of a need infant. There just isn’t enough of you to go around.
Knowledge of and awareness regarding perinatal mental health is growing. But as a society we still have a long way to go in allowing women the time and space they need to grow into their roles as mothers when they experience the detours of postpartum anxiety and depression. It may seem noble to soldier on, even if some days if feels like you’re holding onto your sanity by a string. Perhaps one of your first lessons (of many to come on this marathon called being a mother) is giving yourself the time you need and allowing yourself to accept the help and support that others can provide to you. This may be critical to your long-term health and your child’s healthy development.