When co-parents arrive at my office to mediate the terms of a parenting plan, quite frequently they have not yet told the children about the divorce. They may be sleeping in separate bedrooms – and this may certainly have raised some red flags in the minds of the children depending upon their ages – but nothing definite has been said. Co-parents often seek advice from me about how they should break the news in the family. In answer to these questions, I can offer the following tips:
· Carefully consider the timing. The moment that you tell your children about the divorce will likely be etched in their minds forever. For some, it is a trauma that they will process for years to come, possibly into adulthood. This is not to say that the children will be irreparably harmed. Children are resilient. However, they will most definitely be impacted by the news of the divorce.
· Tell the children together in a unified manner. This can be a really tough moment for both co-parents. One person may do better speaking in such a situation and can do most of the talking. However, both parents should speak some. The children want to hear from both of you. They love both of you even if you and your partner have decided that you no longer want to be together as committed partners.
· Tell all the children at the same time. One child in the family may be more sensitive or more prone to responding negatively to difficult situations. It may be tempting to hold the news of the separation back from this child initially. However, it is best to talk to all the children at the same time. This eliminates feelings, later on, of being shouldered with extra burdens when told before other siblings or being left out of an important family moment when told later then other siblings. Telling all of the children at the same time also opens the door for them to support each other from the start.
· Let the children know that it’s not their fault. Unless this is explicitly stated, many children will make assumptions that certain of their behaviors or things that happened that involved them “caused” their parents’ divorce. This is a heavy burden that children may silently shoulder for years. They need to be reassured that the divorce is about things between their parents and that there is nothing that they have done already – or could do in the future – to make the current separation and divorce change.
· Accept joint responsibility for the divorce. Even instances where one parent may, on the surface, appear to have behaved in ways to “cause” the divorce to happen, when talking to the children the responsibility for the split should be shared. Neither parent should speak negatively about the other parent. The children carry parts of each parent within them. To bad-mouth your co-parent is to slur the children too. Additionally, by casting blame on the other parent, the children may feel compelled to take sides. This can set up loyalty binds which can significant hurt the other parent, amplify conflict and be exceedingly difficult to break once established.
· Allow the children to feel differently about the divorce. One child may be more accepting of the news while another child is sad, angry or resentful. The negative reactions of your children may be difficult to shoulder when you, as the parent, are possibly reeling from the separation yourself. Each family member will follow a different pathway in resolving their immediate feelings about the separation or divorce. Difficult questions should be answered honestly, but should include age-appropriate detail and should steer clear of casting blame. Both parents should strive to protect the children from the parents’ own emotional reactions to the divorce. A supportive therapist can help a parent to compartmentalize their own feelings by providing a safe space where these feelings can be vented and explored on a regular basis.