Many new couples enjoy similar activities, have consistent values, and share a common vision for the future. Sometimes children are already a part of the picture when partners come together. But more traditionally children come along after the union.
In the latter instance, if you are lucky you may have the opportunity to see your partner with nieces, nephews or the children of your friends while you are still dating. Possibly you see them “parent” a pet as well. This may give you a foretaste of how they will behave as a parent to your own children. Or not.
Because, when your child comes to live permanently in your house, even small things you thought you knew about your partner’s parenting style may no longer hold true. When it’s your child, the stakes are higher. There’s more opinion. There’s more personal childhood history attached to each partner’s opinions. There’s nostalgia. There are desires to continue family traditions that may or may not be compatible with yours. There are dreams. And, not surprisingly, there’s also plenty of room for disagreement.
Many new parents first become aware that they differ in parenting style when approaching the issue of consequences. This fundamental element of parenting greatly shapes the tone and manner in which the children are raised. Not uncommonly, one partner will favor a stricter approach than the other when faced with a need to shape a child’s behaviors. It is important, particularly when talking about something which will carry through into the teen years, that couples strive to find some way to reach a middle ground.
This is because sharing a commitment to an overarching parenting style greatly reduces opportunities for conflict. A child who sees a “united front” in his or her parents also receives consistent parenting. This may seem like a lot of work – or even completely off the table as even possible at first. However there is a huge pay-off in making this effort, with the children knowing and understanding what is expected of them. This knowledge, in turn, reduces children’s anxiety, improves behavior overall and establishes a calm tone in the home.
Over the course of the eighteen years of parenting a child to adulthood, there are countless “smaller” things about which couples may disagree. How these more minor parenting disagreements are handled is also very important. Ideally the children will still see a “united front.” Even when discussing a difficulty topic privately, each partner should strive to maintain respectful language, refrain from criticizing the other partner and model “being a good listener” by allowing the other parent to present his or her position on the topic fully. Reminding yourself that your partner also loves the children and is striving to do the best for them despite an opposing viewpoint can help sometimes. Maintaining perspective in this way can preserve the strength of the bond between you and your partners. The strength of this bond – not the outcome with respect to any particular issue – is what helps children feel safe, secure and loved.
Sometimes agreement can’t be reached. Or, in the course of busy family life, sometimes there is a lack of opportunity to discuss an issue as a couple before a decision must be made and implemented. In these instances, one partner may have to take “the high road,” and allow the other partner to make the decision. However, it is important that the decision be presented to the children as from the “united front” even when this happens.
In deferring to the other parent in this way, it is also important to acknowledge this with the hope that the transparency will reduce the odds of a pattern being established going forward. Unless there is agreement that one partner shall make the decisions, keeping the door open to communication and a discussion that allows each partner to have a voice is essential to a true parenting partnership. If, perchance, the word “controlling” creeps in the relationship, one solution is to recommit to respectful discussions. Agreeing on parenting style and working to make decisions together that are aligned with overarching goals can make a significant difference in staving off resentment and preserving your relationship.