Possibly you have heard about this trend in the divorce circles: “The Gray Divorce.” By 2017 in the US, divorce rates fell in all age groups up to and including couples who were 34-44 years of age. But divorce rates started to rise in the bracket of couples who were 45-54 years of age. Rates of divorce then doubled in age groups above age 54. Gray divorcees, who are also called “silver splitters” or diamond splitters,” are predictably named for the color of their hair at the time of the separation. Partners who fall into this category may have spent quite a number of years coupled together prior to the divorce.
So, what’s behind this trend, you might ask. Researchers believe the statistics show a rise in the divorce rates in the over 54 crowd for a number of reasons. For starters, younger couples are delaying a formal commitment in through traditional marriage. In 1963, women were 20 years old, on average, when they married. By contrast, women were 27 years of age on average at the time of marriage in 2017. Another possible explanation that has been advanced for the current Gray Divorce statistics is the reduction in the overall rates of marriage. In 1970, there were 76.5 marriages for every group of 1,000 unmarried women. But by 2017 the rate had dropped to 32.2 marriages. So the rising numbers of divorces among older couples can be partly explained by changes in the sample population.
Cultural norms relating to cohabitation prior to marriage also contribute to the Gray Divorce trend. Among women who married for the first time between 1980 and 1984, forty percent had lived with their mates prior to marriage. Among matches between 2010 and 2014, seventy percent of women who married had lived previously with their future husbands.
Other cultural expectations that contribute to the picture stem from gains in women’s education. In the past, women attended high school, possibly completed college, and then married. Women now more frequently attend high school and college, and thereafter have a period of independent self-exploration before settling down. During this period of exploration, cohabitation occurs more commonly than marriage.
Gray divorcees also share some common areas of strain in their marriages. Many struggled with debt or argued frequently about finances during the years they were together. Overspending by one or both partners, mismanagement of common funds, or one partner earning and controlling all of the household finances are common issues among these older divorcing couples. Infidelity, growing apart emotionally, and addictions also often contribute to these splits. Additionally, with the life spans growing longer through medical advances, some partners sharing a silent and distant “empty nest” opt for taking a chance on new love.
So, what’s the big deal, you might ask, if a bunch of “old” people are getting divorced? There are several things to consider. Emotional well-being takes a hit in Gray Divorce to such a degree that many gray divorcees never fully recover. Rates of depression are reportedly higher among gray divorcees than among widows and widowers.
Wealth also drops by approximately 50%. Even men, who typically fare better than women in divorce, experience an average 21% dip in their personal standard of living. For women, there can be true distress. Those who stayed home with children often experience difficulty re-entering the work force. By the time they reach the standard age of retirement, women who experienced a Gray Divorce may be in a dire situation financially. Their overall poverty rate at age 63 years of age and older is 27%.
These are sobering statistics to ponder. Possibly, while one or both partners may be hesitant to look at themselves or the relationship closely, some discernment prior to undertaking a separation, or investment in a few sessions of couples therapy, may prove a wise investment of resources for both partners.
Cheng, M. (2019, February 26). Grey divorce: Its reasons & its implications. Forbes (Accessed November 2, 2019)
McGinty, J.C. (2019, June 21). The divorce rate is at a 40-year low, unless you’re 55 or older: Young married couples less likely to split up, but ‘gray’ divorces among older couples are on the rise. The Wall Street Journal. (Accessed November 1, 2019).
Steverman, B. (2019 July 19). Divorce is destroying the finances of Americans over 50. Bloomberg. (Accessed November 2, 2019).