Discernment counseling can help couples who are are teetering on the edge of separation and unable to make a clear decision to move forward from this “stuck” place. Discernment counseling is like taking the relationship and putting it on a table for examination. Through this study each partner gains clarity about the current status of the relationship. By taking this time to really look at what the couple shares together in this thing called “the relationship,” each partner gains a deeper understanding of what has happened to the marriage to create this moment of crisis. Each partner is then empowered to make a reasoned choice concerning what he or she is, or is not, willing to do about the current status. This in turn hopefully gives each partner a sense of confidence in any decisions that follow.
William Doherty, Ph.D., a Professor and Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota, is credited with developing and fine-tuning this model for decision-making in troubled relationships that is called discernment counseling. Under the model, couples “discern” before they begin any actual therapy. Discernment counseling typically occurs weekly over the course of one to six sessions. Ideally, sessions are one and one-half hours in duration in order to allow sufficient time for the process to unfold.
In the course of discernment counseling both partners are frequently reminded of the three possible pathways: 1) remaining in the relationship, as it is, without committing to couples therapy but with a better understanding of where things stand, how the situation came to be as it is and, hopefully, some concrete ideas regarding how the situation could potentially improve if counseling was undertaken at some point in the future, 2) deciding to end the relationship and beginning concrete steps towards separation and dissolution, or 3) committing fully to work for six months in weekly marriage counseling on issues including, but not limited to, those uncovered during the course of the discernment counseling.
In practice, discernment counseling sessions are usually broken into distinct parts. There is an initial coming together and discussion about the current status of the relationship. After the first meeting, this initial meeting becomes a time for either partner to offer additional insights they have come to during the intervening days. Each partner then meets individually with the counselor while the other partner waits outside. After each partner has had an individual meeting with the counselor, there may be another, brief meeting together during which one partner may share something with the other partner about what was discussed during his or her individual time. After the second partner shares whatever is desired with the other partner, the counselor closes the session with a reminder of the three paths that are under “discernment:” 1) remaining together without formal commitment to change, 2) separation, or 3) a commitment to couples therapy.
Many couples who inquire about, or even actually embark upon, couples counseling are actually not yet both in a place where they are ready, willing, or able to commit to truly making changes for the benefit of the relationship. Frequently one partner is leaning more towards working on the issues that are interfering with connection and the other partner is questioning whether improvement is possible - or if they really want to do the emotional work that is needed. When marriage counseling is undertaken without first determining whether both partners still truly want to be in and work on the relationship, precious time and money can be wasted. The partner who is fully invested may feel betrayed.
If discernment counseling sounds hard, you would be correct. Making decisions is difficult for many. However, taking allowing this time to make a clear, threshold decision can lay the groundwork for more fruitful couples therapy - if that is the chosen pathway. Each partner then knows that the other is truly committed to the relationship. Together with love and trust, this initial commitment lays a foundation for creating a stronger connection and relationship.