The high stakes game of college admissions has nothing over the pressure to be a perfect mother. College is a chapter. Mothering is a life.
Our societal image of motherhood as blissful and brimming with joyful moments puts unnecessary pressure on new mothers. It is simply unrealistic to expect all new mothers to instinctively know how to perform every aspect of mothering with perfection, and have these abilities in place immediately from the moment of birth.
In the first weeks and months it is not unusual to have an omnipresent worry – with a louder voice for some new moms more than others – that if you do that one thing wrong, that one time, that will be the thing that determines EVERYTHING for the rest of your baby’s life. This worry can consume you and take you down a road of constantly striving for perfection if you let it.
Sure, there are oodles of parenting books and blogs. And as you are reading you are thinking the solutions to your struggles are obvious. This author, this mother – she has found THE way. Why did you not think of that, you may wonder. But then you try it on for size with your baby. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. You go back and read again. You question whether you “did it right.” Maybe there is a step you missed. Alas, probably not. There are just so many ways, no one perfect way, to do pretty much everything in motherhood.
If you take a step back and really look at the postpartum, it is possible to see that the concept of perfect mothering is simply ludicrous on its face. For starters, all the baby’s cues are non-verbal. Of course, you will get it wrong sometimes. Everyone does. Sometimes it appears the baby just feels like a good cry, for no apparent reason. Diaper is dry. Feeding is done. Solid burp has been produced. Clothing is appropriate for the environment. And still, the crying. Who knows? Despite the pressure you feel and may place upon yourself in your effort to be the perfect mom, you may never figure out why the baby is crying. It’s unsatisfying and unsettling, but true.
Then there are the bodily fluids. Sheesh. So much cleanup. Pee in your face at every diaper change if you’re not careful to manage that playful little penis. Spit-up running down your arm and all over the new sofa, making you wonder how in the world the baby is getting enough nutrition to fuel all that rapid size to size growth. And then, best of all, the blow-outs. Inevitably after a nice bath. All that squishy poop oozing up the back of a new outfit, staining the cover on the car seat or spilling onto the jeans that you finally managed to put on. Later, as you move to solids, you will have the treat of pureed carrots and peas projected back in your face in disgust. Cue the applesauce, please.
Somewhere in your busy day, you are supposed to be maintaining yourself. Too bad nothing in the closet fits. Your maternity clothes are comfy, but worn and unappealing for a new mom wanting to make a perfect appearance with baby. It can take a while – if at all – before your favorite pre-pregnancy clothes are an option. The reality is that the wardrobe options may be maternity clothes or sweats. How imperfect, but true.
What about your place. You’re lonely as hell but afraid to invite anyone over. For the moment you’re not working, but you would never know this looking around you. Everything is covered in “baby:” blankets, burp cloths, lone socks, stuffed animals, diapers, butt cream – you name it. It has taken over. There are dishes in the sink with a clean dishwasher waiting to be emptied. The pile of dirty laundry is seemingly larger when you finish a load than before you started. You may have never been a dream in terms of housekeeping but, even for you, this is a new low. Rest assured. You are not alone. When you go to a house that is immaculate, the chances are pretty high that your new mom-pal has been killing herself for three hours cleaning to prepare for your arrival. Just keep that in mind as you bask in the glory of clutter-free seating.
The harsh reality is that every step of motherhood is a lesson in on the job training. Nobody really has it completely figured out. Even those “perfect” moms. Every kid, every day, is different. All you can do is try to roll with it.