Many women bask in the attention and support that a pregnancy can bring. The weeks and months may pass seamlessly or there may be periods when there are complications or concerns. However, through it all, there is a belief that at the end of approximately 38 weeks, the whole process will end. The baby will arrive. Everything is going to be great. Yes, there will be crying. Sure, spit up happens. Of course, the soiled diapers will add up. But you will take this all in stride.
Some women may admit before the birth that they are worried about particular things, like sleep deprivation. There may be financial worries or work/life balance concerns. But, overall, there is a sense that it will all work out because the baby will finally be here. And for some new mothers, this all seems – on the outside at least – to be the case. They proclaim to anyone who will listen that their infant slept through the night within the first month. And they’re back at work, as if nothing is happening at home, within weeks.
For other new mothers, though, the excitement of the birth is overshadowed by a sense of loss. Some of these new mothers mourn the end of the pregnancy. They loved the experience of carrying life within them and miss feeling the baby move. Having the baby to hold outside the womb is not the same.
After the initial buzz of coming to see the baby, friendships with other women who do not have children can may fade out. The baby’s needs reduce the ability to meet up spontaneously or can prompt last minutes cancellations. Friends who do not have children may have their own emotional struggles with finding a suitable partner or infertility, and an infant in mother’s arms can become a reminder of what they lack. Some former friends may simply have decided that they do not want children and therefore have little interest in hearing all about a friend’s new life as a mother. Fewer plans are initiated. Lunches or coffee dates now need to be planned carefully, and possibly at times are less convenient for someone who doesn’t have a baby. The net effect can be a rapid decrease in a new mom’s opportunities for social interaction with adults. This can amplify the loneliness of daily life with a non-verbal and needy infant.
Some new mothers gain significant weight during the pregnancy. Whether it was necessary to eat constantly to stave off nausea or extra helpings in the name of nourishing the baby just went a little too far, weight loss is a task that many new moms face in the postpartum. In the meantime, the reality of the weight gained during pregnancy can cause issues with self esteem, confidence and body image. This can, in turn, impact intimacy and sexuality. With less leisure time to spend together as a couple and the weight of new financial responsibilities really sinking in, the relationship can start to feel a bit rocky.
Many new mothers embrace motherhood outwardly but may find themselves looking wistfully back at their former lives. A career that previously formed the center of a new mom’s life and attention may no longer feel “right” or may prove difficult to balance with the demands of family life. Difficult choices - which may have been envisioned but are now more pressing - may need to be made. Letting go of a former work identity can leave a new mom feeling a bit adrift. Devoting herself then fully to the 24/7 role of mother, there may be a loss of alone time, privacy and freedom. Burnout can creep in.
Some new moms may be able to talk to friends or family about these experiences. But many new moms stay silent, fearing that their feelings would not be understood or validated. A knowledgeable postpartum counselor can support a new mother, easing the transition to motherhood.