Even after you have made the break, the questions remain. As you lie awake in bed, ride along in the car or run on the treadmill, your mind drifts to replay. You think about particular conversations, particular arguments, particular vacations. You think about the wedding, the birth of the children, that amazing date you once had together.
You’re starting to develop a little more perspective. You’re out of the fray and into the stillness. When you go home there is longer the worry of a possible argument. You’ve had a chance to clear your head and started to move forward a bit into your new life. Maybe you’ve even started checking out a few dating apps.
But still you question: Could we have made it? Should I have stayed? Is there any chance we could get back together? Do we even really need a divorce? Maybe there is some sort of in-between that could work? Whose fault is all this mess anyway? Is it possible that I did some things wrong here too?
Even if you are the person who initiated the breakup, it is still normal to vacillate between feeling you definitely did the right thing in separating to questioning yourself and your choices. The fact that you are engaged in Monday morning quarterbacking your marriage can be hard to admit out loud to others. Of all the things on your mind at the moment, you want to be certain that “ending it” was the right thing to do. So, you engage in “analysis paralysis.”
If you’re reading this and shaking your head, “nope,” this is possibly because you psychologically separated from your Ex during the relationship. However, this is less common than most people would like to believe. Possibly you are avoiding the inevitable.
This is because the questioning and analysis, which certainly can drive you nuts, usually comes along with substantial feelings of anxiety. For this reason alone, many people would rather just skip over this part and move forward into the sunset with someone new. However, as uncomfortable as the ambivalence may be to experience, it’s actually beneficial in the long run. Your questioning will force you to confront yourself and your behavior. Ultimately, it will lead you down a pathway of growth and change.
Somewhere amidst your questioning, an olive branch may be extended by you or your Ex. This is because, despite the hate and frustration you display and feel on the surface, it is still possible to have some loving feelings towards your Ex. The olive branch may come in the form of a “last hurrah.” A spur of the moment hook-up that you’re too ashamed to tell anyone else about. A secret beach week-end. An attempt at moving in back together to see if things have changed.
If this happens, see it through. If it lands you back in the same place – pushing forward with separation – know that ambivalence is a normal part of separation for many.
Questioning where you are and the necessity of your divorce is an important sign that you are moving beyond the swirl and see-saw of emotions to a new stage of emotional recovery. Through this difficult process, you will inevitably be led to look at your own role in the ending of the relationship. All of the questioning, collectively, will eventually give you the capacity to redefine yourself as a single, separated person. Once you have this new single identity established and have recovered emotionally from the separation, you will finally be in a place where you will truly have the capacity to enter into a relationship with a new partner.