They say silence is golden. And maybe it can be in our busy world. Certainly it can be difficult to accomplish a full on retreat from all our beckoning electronic devices that offer more content than we could possibly digest, 24/7.
But I’m talking about a different kind of silence: a not-talking-about-this-with-you kind of silence. A silence in which communication comes to a full scale halt. I’m talking about a kind of silence that is cold. This is a silence echoes and is full of what is not being said. It is a tic-tic-tic kind of silence that, once it goes on too long, becomes increasingly harder to bridge. This kind of silence – also known as stonewalling – is truly harmful in any relationship, but particularly an intimate partnership. It’s literally corrosive. When conflict in a relationship is managed by taking up residence in separate corners, the silence speaks volumes about the emotional distance in the relationship. Literally, there is just emptiness in the space between.
This kind of silence in a relationship almost guarantees misunderstanding. After all, how can you expect to appreciate another person’s position if you do not even hear what their perspective is, in the first place. In order to identify the root of an issue accurately and understand where the precise nature of disagreement lies, there has to be actual communication. Once stonewalling takes hold, it can really snowball. If partners are not accustomed to talking things through, one or both may get into the habit of tiptoeing around the other. This may be undertaken under the guise of maintaining an at least neutral mode of communication in a relationship - but the result is anything but positive. When this kind of silence becomes the go-to way of managing conflict in a relationship, one or both partners will likely have no choice but to begin guessing – based upon facial expressions, body language and behaviors – where the other person stands. This is dangerous because, while it might be assumed that the partners “know each other so well” that it is possible to accurately discern how the other person is feeling, in all probability important details are being missed. It is all too easy to go down an inaccurate pathway based upon indirect signals. This can lead to true misunderstanding when, perhaps, if the matter had actually been discussed, the partners might discover that the initial disagreement was comparatively minor.
When this kind of deafening silence takes root in a relationship, it can lead one or both partners to believe the other person has no interest in them or in what they have to say. Self-esteem takes a hit. As this kind of cold silence continues, one or both partners may start to feel worthless or hopeless. There may be some anxiety or depression – or even imposter syndrome. Closing your partner out and not talking to them can shake them to their core. And, to be sure, sometimes that is the intention. Stonewalling can be a form of passive-aggressive behavior. In this instance, the partner refusing to engage is often noticing that their silence has the impact that they desire at some level. And that’s the antithesis of acting in a loving and caring manner towards your partner.
In extreme situations, where stonewalling has been relied upon to manage conflict, it is not out the realm of possibility that separation and divorce might come into the picture. So don’t let it get too far. If there’s stonewalling in your relationship, break the silence. Find new ways of relating and understanding that will make your love stronger.
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