Many couples who separate envision a shared child custody arrangement. Others find themselves considering these schedules as they become more involved with lawyers and the court process. It is not uncommon for at least one parent to be seeking “50-50.” But what exactly does that mean? The answer is, “it depends.”
The needs of the children in each family are different. And this is even more true when we are talking about children who will be transitioning back and forth between two parents’ residences in the wake of a separation or divorce. Unfortunately, the children’s needs can get lost in the haze of the anger, sadness and grief that co-parents commonly experience during the division of a previously shared family life. This is where a divorce coach or a therapist versed in the divorce process can prove quite helpful. Even co-parents who consider themselves to be child-centered can lose focus upon what would be best for the children and instead insistently pursue a parenting time schedule that is best for them if they do not have appropriate emotional support.
If you work with a mediator, have a mediated settlement agreement prepared by separate counsel, or go through the collaborative divorce process, you have more ability to tailor the parenting time schedule to the needs of your children. The critical element that all of these routes to a separation agreement share is agreement. You and your co-parent have to cooperate. This usually means that one or both of you may need to compromise. One possible way to compromise is through the chosen parenting time schedule.
There is a perception that negative assumptions will be made about the behaviors, capacities or parenting abilities of a parent who has less than 50% of the parenting time following a separation. However, if parents’ work schedules or the children’s needs indicate that a parenting time schedule “in the nature of shared,” but not exactly “50-50,” would be best, this would still be considered shared child custody arrangement. Others need not know the nitty gritty of your parenting time schedule. If your schedule is best for you, your co-parent and the children, then it is a good shared parenting time schedule even if the division of time is not precisely equal. Having a schedule that everyone can live with is preferable, any day, to shoe-horning the family into a standard schedule that really doesn’t work well just for the sake of being able to say that you, as a co-parent, have “half the time” with the children.
You may be asking what would be considered a standard 50-50 parenting time schedule. There are actually a few. The 2-2-5 or 2-2-3 access schedule is one option. Under this schedule, usually each parent has time with the children for two consecutive weekdays and then for a longer 3 or 5 day stretch that allows creates alternating weekends. Under this access schedule, many of the transitions can occur through school or camp. This can be beneficial when co-parents have difficulty with continuing conflict or with making timely exchanges. The biggest negative of both the 2-2-5 and the 2-2-3 schedules is the number of times that the children transition between homes.
When children are older at the time of the separation, two other standard parenting time schedules can sometimes make more sense: split week and alternate week. Under the split week schedule, each parent has half the days of any given week. To be strictly 50-50 custody, the mid-week overnight would be alternated by the co-parents either weekly or annually. To be “in the nature of 50-50,” that odd overnight could be consistently spent with one co-parent. One negative aspect of the split week schedule is that typically either the weekends are split – and therefore neither parent regularly has a full weekend to spend with the children – or one parent has all the weekend days.
An alternating week schedule really only works well for adolescents because it requires the children to spend a full week away from the other parent. Often a mid-week dinner in the other parent’s “off week” is implemented while making the transition to this schedule. Although the alternating week schedule may seem appealing due to the fewer number of transitions for the children, this schedule requires parents to be similarly supportive of the children’s extracurricular activities. Each has the responsibility of managing the children’s transportation and participation in these activities during his/her week.
The bottom line is that when parents separate and say they want to share custody of the children, there’s lots to think about and discuss. Staying open to considering what type of parenting time arrangement would be best for the children can make a significant difference in how everyone in the family adjusts and progresses in the wake of separation.