When you and your partner are going through a difficult phase in your relationship, you may find yourself focusing upon – if not obsessing about – how you are feeling about your partner. Your anger and sadness easily bubble to the surface and dominate your thoughts - and, eventually, your behaviors towards your partner.
It may be helpful to remind yourself that all couples go through phases when the relationship is not “feeling” as good: when they are arguing more frequently, when they are not connecting on any level – mentally, physically, emotionally – and when they may come to question whether they should even stay together. This latter question may simmer silently in the background at first but grow steadily louder over time. This may be especially true when the focus of attention is upon the feelings that you have for your partner.
However, you may find it useful to remind yourself that feelings are often transitory reactions to changes within and around you. You may already be very aware of how your feelings about each other vary, depending upon the situation at hand. You may be less attuned to how, on a regular basis, feelings about your partner may be amplified by bodily sensations of hunger or thirst, hormonal shifts, and other physical sensations. Memories can also play a part in the feelings that you have towards your partner. You may find that, when things do not seem to be going well between the two of you, you naturally focus upon past situations which generated negative feelings similar to the ones you are now experiencing.
Given this range of possibility, you may search for an anchor on which to grasp when your relationship seems to be in trouble. A good place to start would be to assess where you stand with respect to your shared relationship values. You may be asking, what exactly are those? And it is quite possible that you and your partner never actually discussed your core values. They may have been assumed at the onset of your relationship, when things were going better.
Relationship values are the steady things upon which you founded your commitment. They are supported by the character that forms each of you individually. As guiding principles, focusing on values rather than feelings can take you back to what really matters. So, give me some examples, you might say. Well, here are a few common basic relationship values: equality, fairness, friendship, and acting in loving ways.
Ok, you might say, how exactly do you follow your relationship values? Well, it starts with your thoughts and then moves to your behaviors. Thoughts and attitudes which support the basic relationship values listed above might include: a spirit of working together, wanting the best for each other, trying to remain flexible, and accepting/appreciating difference. Behaviors which might stem from these thoughts include: regulating your emotional responses, acting with the big picture rather than immediate desires in mind, listening attentively to each other, asking curious questions with the goal of better understanding, considering your partner’s alternative perspectives, and striving to negotiate rather than dominate.
You may be reading this and thinking this sounds like a bunch of psychological mumble-jumbo. And, without a doubt, acting from your relationship values rather than your feelings does not come naturally to many of us. This is what is meant by the phrase “working on the relationship.” No one “feels” like staying true to their relationship values all of the time.
However, consider the fact that acting from your feelings is destined to lead you down a path of continued turmoil and suffering. By undertaking actions in consort with your feelings rather than you values, you will likely find that you eventually cross a line that truly violates one of your core relationship values. This will only add to existing conflict and negative feelings between you and your partner. Acting from your feelings creates more suffering.
So, it turns out that the “work” of a relationship is really worth your time and effort. Focusing upon your relationship values will lead you and your partner down a pathway to a stronger and deeper relationship. Together, you will feel more authentic and empowered as true partners who are creating a life together.