Before you even started this process called “having a family,” you might have heard that the addition of a child brings many joys….and that it will likely also forever alter your bond with your partner. Maybe you and your partner have sailed along smoothly up until now. Or maybe there were some challenges that you overcame together. Either way, you would be in good company if you are finding that things are more strained with your partner now, than ever before.
At first, it’s so hard to even focus on each other. The baby seems to need nearly constant attention. One feeding stacks on top of the next. In between you’re struggling to do even basic things to take care of yourself – eating, sleeping, showering. It’s every man for himself.
You have your 3 week and 12-week checkups at the gyno. You get the green light on sex. Maybe you step right up to that “second virgin” experience. Or maybe you’re not ready yet. I mean, a human, an actual person, came out of there. Possibly you’re nursing and it’s hard to even conceive of yourself as a sexual being. Sex gets postponed. The distance between you and your partner in the bed grows wider. Possibly with a small little person joining you - spread eagle.
You’ve gone back to work and you’re trying to figure out how to do it all: making sure everything is set up with the caregiver before you leave, dealing with having left your baby on the way to work (or secretly, guiltily, relishing those moments to yourself), pumping during the day if you’re still nursing, and coming home exhausted to a baby who needs you. If you’re with the baby all day, you’re likely trying to figure out ways to stave off the isolation that comes along with spending your day with a demanding nonverbal companion.
In the meantime, you and your partner are not talking like you used to. You’ve got so much to learn about parenting. And your partner has interest, but not as much. One of you may be spending more time in the evening putting the baby down for the night. The other may be stealing away a few precious moments to binge watch a favorite show, catch up on email or take care of those pesky household things. By the time the baby is down, it seems like it’s gotten late. Time to go to bed. As in, sleep.
Days slip into weeks, maybe months. The baby is growing quickly into a toddler. You watch each milestone come: smiling, laughing, rolling over, holding the head, sitting up independently, first sounds, first words, crawling, walking…. The pictures, oh the pictures. They’re all of baby. Gone are the days of photos of the two of you. You wander past those framed wedding photos of the two of you smiling together and wonder just who those people are, anyway.
Resentment is growing like a vine. One parent feels the other could do more. The other feels already stretched. You bicker. And simmer.
One parent thinks the baby should stay in your room or your bed. The other wants the baby in the nursery, the office – anywhere but in your bedroom, where all the funny little noises and cries awaken you constantly throughout the night. Exhaustion from the night feedings takes its toll.
There is negotiating about who will do what, when, and why.
Maybe you had talked about how you would parent. But now that it’s happening, it’s not what you thought it would be like and you don’t seem to be on the same page at all anymore. One person favors sleep training, the other feels this would be traumatizing. One person would add solids. The other says, “not yet.” The future list of decisions looms and you worry that you will never agree on anything.
There’s less and less interest in spending time together. You’re not interested. It’s too much work. It’s too much time. You’re too tired.
But we have a baby. This can’t happen. Not to us.