Possibly the title of this blog made you laugh out loud. Maybe it elicited a sarcastic, “right.” Or maybe it made you cringe a bit, recalling a recent misstep – an angry outburst in front of the children about a co-parenting issue, a nasty email battle, a wordless facial expression of disdain at a custody exchange.
Regardless of where you are personally along the pathway in recovering from separation and divorce, if you share kids you have dealings with the other parent. If you initiated the separation, there may have been a moment when you wished fervently to be “done” with the other person. Frustration and anger, along with despair, may have moved you resolutely forward out the door. You may have felt momentarily free, untethered, ready to take on the world and do it all right this time.
Then at some point reality likely set in: You certainly can frolic in your newfound freedom now. You can travel to the ends of the earth, enter into new relationships, or maybe even disappear altogether for a period of time. However, while a clean cut is possible in a childless union, you are forever linked to this other person with whom you brought children into the world. It’s a sobering truth. Of course, you could choose to walk away from the kids too. But if you want to be a part of your children’s lives, you will bump against this person, whom you may well perceive to have done you wrong, over and over again in the years to come.
In the middle between the two of you stand your kids. They hear what each of you say about the other, whether the statements are directed to them, through them, or overheard indirectly. They see how you look at the other parent. They see your jaw clench, your brow furrow, your eyes well. They know how you feel about your co-parent - yes they do.
It may seem helpful at first to minimize or even eliminate conversations regarding your co-parent. When the kids speak of him or her, to redirect the conversation. When others inquire about her, to fall silent or say you would prefer not to talk about your Ex. This seems safe and harmless, until you consider the message to the children: that it’s off limits to talk about this other parent that they also love. Kids feel the stress of straddling two homes week after week. Their lives are significantly impacted by their parents’ decision to split. They have feelings about your separation and divorce that can take years to emerge and untangle. They have complex feelings about both you and your co-parent too. Silencing these feelings complicates their lives.
A more difficult path at the onset, but one that in my experience leads eventually to a healthier co-parenting family system, is to allow your co-parent to be in the room. To let the kids talk about the other parent in conversation, as casually and openly as they did before the separation, without shutting the conversation down. To tolerate positive commentary about the other parent that may seem contrary to your personal experience with your co-parent or may conflict, even, with other statements by the children when they, too, have frustration with your co-parent. To allow others to include the mother or father of your children in their inquiries about the children’s well-being. And for you, initially with great effort, to model positive regard for your co-parent by refraining from negative labels or commentary of any kind, striving to notice the positive, and actively wishing your co-parent the best in his or her new life.
No doubt about it: it’s easier said than done. You are angry. You are hurt. There may have been a nasty court battle. There may be continuing bitterness about the financial arrangements or the parenting time schedule. You may be aggravated by the latest co-parenting conversation about a child’s medical issue or educational concern.
In a perfect world, you worked together at the time of separation to create a parenting plan that addressed most, if not all, of the foreseeable co-parenting issues. If this is not the case, and there is ongoing ambiguity that creates conflict, working with a parenting coordinator can help as long as both parents come to the conversation with their swords down, truly ready to work together for the benefit of the children. This last part is critical: swords down. There’s little to gain from a protracted war in which small put-downs and victories fuel retaliatory jabs and litigation. Taking the alternative path of maintaining positive regard for your Ex and striving to reach agreement with him or her will promote emotional recovery and a stronger future for everyone in the co-parenting family system.