Much is written about the experience of becoming a new mom. And this is appropriately so: without question, the transition to motherhood brings joys and challenges that cannot be fully grasped until a woman is deep in the trenches of her new role.
But what about mom’s faithful companion: the new dad. There he is, standing bedside, with varying degrees of capacity to watch what’s going on “down there” in the delivery room - until that magical moment when baby emerges. Then all eyes are on that precious little bundle that is carefully handed off to mom for the first attempt at nursing. And there’s dad, still. Right there, beaming with pride.
In a flash, the new family takes the first drive home. After months of anticipation, the arrival seems anticlimactic as long as baby has learned early to snooze in the car. But within minutes or hours, the household is on its ear. While things may have been fairly quiet for the new dad during the pregnancy, now he is in demand. To hold. To watch. To change. To feed. To support. To….
The list of potential ways that new dads may support new moms is lengthy. Many new dads, though, may not really know where to start. Well intentioned new moms who are struggling with hormonal shifts, the baby blues, and all the new tasks may unwittingly discourage participation by the one person they should be able to rely upon the most: their partner.
Some new dads, upon sensing that they are not to do things “right,” becoming embarrassed about their initial lack of know-how, or feeling just plain overwhelmed, retreat. A few might head off to the office, responding to a sense of responsibility to provide for their new family. Others may allow their mother-in-law, a nanny or best friend to step in as the top assistant. A third subset may standby quietly, possibly staying busy with other chores around the house and responding occasionally, as best they can, as directed. If new moms can sit with the discomfort of allowing dad to learn at his own pace and make his own mistakes, it can be easier for the new dad to adapt and find his own role in the new family.
In the unfortunate situation where either mom or baby require special medical attention in the wake of the birth, the new dad may find himself needing to rise to the occasion despite feeling unqualified. He may need to take on responsibilities for which he does not feel prepared. This may create anxiety for the new dad. He may not feel he can’t admit to others that he is in over his head. He may exhaust himself in an effort to assure the new mom’s continued recovery.
New moms who are experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety can come across to their partners as demanding and needy. In keeping with the culture of boundless joy that surrounds birth, the new dad may be confused by his partner’s mood. “This is what she said she wanted,” a discouraged new dad may find himself thinking. “And it’s permanent. This is our life forever now.”
The new mom’s tears, anger and impatience may seem unwarranted to the new dad, who may be trying his best to be supportive. Feeling unsuccessful and wanting to avoid conflict, the new dad may find increasingly himself avoiding mom by staying later at work, opting to run errands, or sitting on his phone as much as possible. Unfortunately, this leaves a new mom who needs extra support even more alone.
It is not always immediately apparent why a particular new mom seems to need more help than she expected. There may be a great deal of frustration, as both new parents struggle, each blaming the other for not “being there” enough. If this is sounding a bit familiar, perhaps it’s time to make a doctor’s appointment for both mom and dad. Just check things out to be certain. New dads can suffer from postpartum depression and anxiety too. Getting on top of things early can bring peace to the new family home and help assure that the baby’s attachment and development proceed smoothly into the first year.