When separation happens, it can feel like life as you know it is coming to an abrupt halt. Seemingly overnight, nothing is the same. Daily routines are thrown off course. There may be parenting time schedules to plan around. You may need to sell the house and move. You may need to find a job. You probably are hiring lawyers and learning all about family court procedures.
In the midst of this, you may be struggling to manage a range of emotions that can present at the most inconvenient times. Even if you normally consider yourself to be decisive, you may find yourself overwhelmed by all the changes and unable to take the first steps forward in new directions. If you have not worked outside the home in recent years, grappling with making a plan, searching for work and balancing all this with parenting responsibilities may seem like too much.
Support networks that you may have depended upon in the past may not be there to see you through. Neighbors may waffle between wanting to hear the details and stepping back from a situation that seems “messy” to them. Friends that you shared with your soon-to-be-Ex may feel a need to “take sides.” Depending upon your religious persuasion, church affiliations may become weaker. Even if people are willing to support you, you may find yourself “not up for it” when friends and family come calling. Overtures may come at inopportune moments. Or you may be embarrassed to have others see you as an emotional wreck.
All of these things make the process of separation and divorce – and it is a process – more difficult. At times it may seem impossible to keep it all going on your own. The tasks before you can appear insurmountable. However, if you can get yourself to a place where you can put one foot forward, you may surprise yourself in finding that steps thereafter fall into place. Getting there may be tough, It may seem like there are too many options or, alternatively, too many limitations. If you share children with your soon-to-be-Ex, you may feel hamstrung by the child access schedule. This new overlay of transitions, phone calls, and stretches with full responsibility/no responsibility for parenting can take a while to settle into second nature. You may not have the luxury of waiting for this to happen before needing to make other major decisions like where to live or work.
However, sitting in indecision is an emotional drain. It robs you of power and energy that you need to move forward. Making decisions is empowering. Certainly some decisions in the family court arena have finality. Eventually there may be a court order of divorce that may also determine any award of alimony, for example. Even the court order on child custody has some finality, with parenting time schedules typically established until there is some material change in circumstance. But most of the other decisions that you are facing in the wake of a separation can be revised or tweaked as time goes by. Realizing this can sometimes remove some of the self-induced pressure to make a “perfect” choice on the first go around.
The global COVID 19 pandemic adds a layer of unpredictability in the arena of decisions following separation. The fears of exposure, rapid changes in how many of us work, and volatility in the economy add variables that were unforeseen even six months ago. But you can choose to see new variables as creating an opportunity to make the best decision for now. Because for everyone, not just the newly separated, any decision made today may have to be revisited tomorrow as the pandemic continues. So why not step out there, move from unstuck to action, and see where it takes you.