Almost as soon as we start seeing the Halloween decorations and costumes, we start to think about holiday plans. Travel arrangements need to made early to get the best deals. Work and school schedules need to be coordinated. There are likely conversations with family members and friends about how everyone is going to come together and connect – or not.
So what days are we actually talking about, when we reference holidays in the context of divorce?
For purposes of a Parenting Plan, the holidays commonly include: Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, Martin Luther King Day, President’s Day, Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, and Columbus Day. If the family traditionally celebrated the Jewish holidays, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Chanukah and Passover would be substituted for the Christian holidays. Additionally, while not official “holidays” by traditional standards, in the divorce context Halloween, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, each co-parent’s birthday, and each child’s birthday are also usually considered part of the holiday list.
In the course of negotiating a Parenting Plan or Marital Settlement Agreement (“Agreement”) all of the holidays may be discussed in turn and divided in some manner. By contrast, a Court Order may only generally state that holidays will be alternated between the co-parents and provide a general exchange time that will apply. The Court Order may also highlight a few, particular holidays concerning which testimony was taken or evidence was presented.
Negotiating the holiday schedule can be a challenging part of divorce mediation. Accepting, as a co-parent, the reality that you will not be spending every Christmas or Passover with your children can be just plain hard. As we all know, these special days on the calendar can be emotionally charged. Each co-parent often arrives holds memories from their own personal history as well as present day expectations regarding how they would like their children to experience these same holidays. Anger can erupt easily when discussing the holiday schedule simply because there can be so much unstated or unexplained emotion involved.
Additionally, both parents also arrive at divorce mediation with knowledge of how past holidays have been spent. Holidays may have been a source of stress and conflict during the relationship. So there may already be an underlying foundation of bad feelings. Sometimes one co-parent did not have a positive relationship with the other co-parent’s family and friends. Other times the bad feelings stem from failed attempts to please family or friends to whom one or both co-parents felt a sense of obligation. Whatever the particular circumstances may be, these individuals outside the room can exert indirect influence upon the negotiation of the holiday schedule.
For all of these reasons, it’s important for both co-parents to come to mediation session with an idea of the ideal holiday schedule from his or her perspective. In recognition of the fact that this ideal may not be achievable, each co-parent should also have some sense of where compromise might be possible.
Another way to prepare for this portion of the mediation, and hopefully minimize future sources of conflict and pressure, would be to consult with family members and friends concerning their expectations. Often, these individuals on the sidelines have strong feelings. The co-parent should make clear, during any such consultation, that compromise may be necessary and that the holiday schedule is just one part of a much larger conversation. But at least attempting to take into consideration the perspectives of extended family and friends may help forestall future situations that can contribute to ongoing conflict between the co-parents. Minimizing future conflict benefits every member of the family.