Many co-parents include in their parenting plan a provision that when the child is at one parent’s residence, the other parent will be entitled to telephone call(s) on specified days, at defined times or windows of time, and lasting for a certain period of time or no longer than a particular time interval. It sounds great in concept, right?
In practice, though, this provision in a parenting plan can contribute significantly to ongoing conflict. One parent may wait longingly for these precious moments to talk with the child only to find that the call is late or forgotten, or that the child is distracted or disinterested. For the parent who has custody of the child at the time of the call, “telephone time” - or more often these days “FaceTime time” - is often viewed as burdensome and as a disruption in the flow of the parenting time. There may be resentment which the child inevitably sees.
In situations where there is a high degree of conflict between the co-parents, FaceTime calls may be used as a mechanism to aggravate the other parent by interjecting into the custodial parent’s time comments or experiences that are disturbing to the child and/or custodial parent. Trying to anticipate and minimize these effects, the custodial parent may monitor the calls directly or indirectly. Upon sensing this, the other parent may in turn protest or intensify their efforts to aggravate the custodial parent. Anger rises as the pattern repeats itself, week after week. The child is stuck in the middle and the purpose of the call is lost in the escalating conflict between the co-parents. Eventually the child may refuse to participate altogether in the calls, even though this defies the Court Order or the co-parents’ Agreement. This refusal by the child may be encouraged by one or both parents, directly or indirectly.
Unfortunately, there are few good solutions to these problems, since they often are smaller, recurring enactments of patterns that existed in the original couple relationship between the co-parents.
If co-parents are sincere in wanting to allow each other the opportunity to talk to the child during the other person’s parenting time, here are a few things that seem to help:
· adhering to the agreed upon/ordered schedule for the calls. This creates consistency and structure. The child may resist but will learn early what it means to be a law-abiding citizen: sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do. The child will also learn to tolerate separation from each parent, which is a life skill ultimately.
· commenting positively about the custodial parent and the custodial parent’s behaviors whenever possible if the other parent comes up in the conversation. Ideally, the custodial parent is not really part of the conversation at all, since the FaceTime call is child-focused. Refraining from raising the topic of the custodial parent unless the child naturally brings this up in the conversation is one way to keep this on track.
· keeping the topics light (unless the child initiates a discussion about more difficult subjects) and suggesting another time to discuss complex topics in person. This maintains a primary goal of telephone calls during parenting time: maintaining the connection between the other parent and child even though they are not physically together.
· minimizing monitoring by the custodial parent. Allowing the child and other parent some privacy during the FaceTime call demonstrates respect for both of them and their relationship. Hopefully, when the situation is reversed, the other parent will accord this same respect during the FaceTime calls.
Working towards what is best for the child is always the ideal. By following these approaches both co-parents support the goal of allowing the child to have a loving relationship with both parents.