Separation is a moment, regardless of whether it was anticipated and consensual, or abrupt and one-sided. It’s a line of demarcation between the “normal” that was and the “normal” that is now.
Even if the separation was your idea, or if you both agreed that it was best, you will be affected emotionally, at some point. It may surprise you that, instead of calling your mother or best friend and dissolving in tears, you march along at first as if everything is still the same. You may not immediately share the news with friends, neighbors, co-workers or family members, reasoning that the separation is not something other significant people in your life really need to know anything about just yet.
Maybe you’re secretly hoping for a reconciliation. So you tell yourself that staying quiet just plain makes sense. In other instances this decision to hold back the separation news may evolve from your initial state of shock, combined possibly with a sense of overwhelm with trying to manage the household and children on your own. You may walk through a number of days and weeks like this.
In this era of COVID 19-related social distancing and stay at home orders, it’s even easier not to spread the news of your separation. You’re not seeing other people anyway, so there’s no anticipated awkward moment of being “found out” if you don’t tell. But the problem with this approach is that it leaves you more alone. If people don’t know what is going on, they can’t be there to support you.
If you’re further along the path and the news is out, COVID 19 may be adding new challenges to your parenting time schedule with your soon-to-be Ex. For example, you, your soon-to-be Ex, or one of the children may at some point present with “symptoms.” Depending upon how amicable things are between the two of you, news of possible “symptoms” may be met with understanding and concern - or questions and debate. The uncertainty and stress of anyone in the family showing “symptoms” likely amplifies everyone’s emotions. This is a moment when you may really need emotional support.
Whether you and your soon-to-be Ex are utilizing the court system, engaged in a collaborative divorce model or working with a mediator, in our new COVID 19 world the paperwork is going to need to get done differently. There are new procedures and limitations upon physically going to Court. Formerly in-person meetings are now online. All of this makes the process of separation and divorce feel less personal, even though separation and divorce is all about the central, most personal, relationship of your adult life.
If you’re somewhere in the middle between separation and actual divorce, the new sense of order that you had started come to come around to and possibly even rely upon to create some sense of structure may now be turned topsy-turvy. Decisions that made sense a month ago may seem unworkable today. For example, an agreement entered into earlier in the year regarding sale of the former marital home may be seemingly unattainable within the time frame that presumed a strong spring real estate market. It may be hard to know what to do about this, particularly if you and your soon-to-be-Ex are not on speaking terms.
In the midst of all the uncertainty that every person feels during this pandemic, emotions that you were able to push aside when life was more hustle-bustle may be coming to the forefront. Netflix distraction only helps so much. You are alone, and you feel this alone wholly. Completely. The path ahead may seem unclear. Even if it is contrary to your nature - if you have always considered yourself independent and capable of managing things on your own - the reality is that you may need some support at this moment. Talking to a professional who is knowledgeable about the separation process can help you find your way.