Moving in together, whether prior to a formal commitment or after, is a marker of the level of commitment in a relationship for many couples. Sometimes the decision evolves and other times it is the result of a serious conversation about “where we are.” This is particularly true if the “moving in” occurs prior to making a commitment to each other for life.
Fewer couples are waiting until after they are formally committed to start sharing a home. Many younger couples see benefit in sharing living expenses by being under one roof, especially in urban areas where the cost of living is high. With our busy schedules, living together also saves a couple the effort of going back and forth from each other’s residences, allowing more time to spend together.
Regardless of the route taken to get there, living together harmoniously takes some effort. While you may adore your partner and feel you know each other well, becoming roommates will reveal things that you didn’t know before. If you first begin living together young and childless, your expectations for each other in your shared living space is frequently modeled upon other shared living arrangements that each of you have experienced. You may be quite alike or very different in terms of these experiences. For example, one partner may have lived away at school or shared an apartment while the other partner continued to live with parents in a childhood home.
You may also move in together with very different expectations of how you going to “be a couple” even though mundane chores like taking out the trash are now a part of your shared moments. Open discussion on the front end – or at the first sign of difference – regarding how much time you will spend together and how much time you will spend apart on non-work pursuits such as leisure activities, working out, and spending time with other friends can help reduce misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It will also be important to decide how the time you spend together can be used to build upon the existing foundation for your relationship. This is where “date nights” might come into play for many couples.
Communication about the sharing of childcare and household responsibilities becomes a critical part of sharing a home with the arrival of a baby. Suddenly there is more laundry, infant clutter and a lot more errands to be run on Saturday morning. Sorting out how you will get everything done on the home front and still have “couple time” and “me time” individually is an important part of living together while raising a family. You will likely find that this is an ongoing dialogue, rather than a single conversation.
As the months and years pass, you and your partner may grow quite aware of each other’s quirks. Things that were there in the beginning may still be there. However, as you age you may find that little habits have become more prominent. At the same time, aging and unresolved conflicts may have reduced your capacity and desire for tolerance of each other. Communicating about these aspects of living together continues to be important.
Expectations for sharing a home may change later as children leave the nest. The gradual decline that aging brings may prompt revisiting the expectations that you and your partner have about living together at regular intervals. Physical health and limitations for each partner may be increasingly important variables in your discussions about your shared living arrangement now.
The bottom line is that “living together” is not an isolated event. It is an ongoing process. Sharing living space as a couple takes effort at all stages of your relationship. It is easy to lose sight of this and assume living together will work just because it has in the past. Couples who live together in harmony regularly and openly discuss their expectations for each other as lovers and roommates.