At some point, before or after you separate, you and your Ex need to enter into some sort of agreement regarding how you will share parenting time and how you will co-parent your children in separate residences. This agreement may be formed verbally with a handshake or may be arrived at following days and weeks of litigation in court. The critical piece here is that there is agreement to “something” as the arrangement going forward.
It is quite possible that both of you feel good about this arrangement at first. You may be splitting amicably, both agreeing that you no longer are good for each other. And this good feeling may persist for days, weeks, or even the remaining years in the childhood of your shared children. Such an arrangement generally reflects ongoing goodwill, a spirit of co-operation and joint willingness to allow each other a happier life. As co-parents you are able to address issues as they arise in calm and respectful conversations. You allow each other to be present for all the major events in the children’s lives. Collectively, there is a sense of acceptance that this is the best pathway for all concerned. If this is you, be thankful.
However, if your once amicable split has recently turned more negative, there may be some relief in knowing that you are not alone. Sometimes even formerly smooth arrangements fall apart. You may also count yourself lucky because many co-parents don’t have this initial honeymoon period. They embark upon co-parenting, from the start, filled with hurt, anger and resentment. There may be a hidden desire for revenge. Verbal barbs are thrown back and forth frequently by text and email. There is quibbling out what the Court Order does or does not say. And there is often increasing financial distress for one or both co-parents as significant legal fees are paid - possibly repeatedly - to arrive at a Court Order that usually at least one co-parent is not completely happy with.
The reasons for this dissatisfaction with the existing Order or Agreement are myriad. One co-parent may be angry about unsupported allegations made by the other co-parenting about him or her during the court process. Another co-parent may feel that the court system treated him or her unfairly or failed to see the value of his or her contributions, resulting in an award of comparatively less parenting time or a different access schedule than was sought. Still another co-parent may lack the resources to fully engage in or continue litigation and feel they were “forced” to agree to an arrangement that is unpalatable.
Unfortunately, there is likely to be no immediate way of relieving this sense of dissatisfaction. This can make co-parenting quite difficult. Co-parents in these types of “high conflict” situations often have a term in their Marital Settlement Agreement or Court Order that requires them to participate in Parenting Coordination if they share legal decision-making.
Parenting Coordination is a child-focused process by which a trained family law professional mediates the conversations between co-parents who have difficulty communicating, reaching agreement or complying with Court Orders or Agreements. Mental health professionals and attorneys can serve as Parenting Coordinators.
The role of the Parenting Coordinator is neutral and limited. Unless the Court Order or Agreement specifies otherwise, a Parenting Coordinator usually does not have decision-making authority. This authority continues to rest with the co-parents.
Co-parent meetings with a Parenting Coordinator are intended to proceed in a business-like manner, using respectful language and communication. If the co-parents are visibly struggling emotionally, a break may be taken during the meeting. A Parenting Coordinator may also recommend that the co-parents undertake psychotherapy outside of the meetings so they can more effectively participate in future conversations.
As difficult as it can be, accepting and strictly following the terms of an unsatisfying Court Order or Marital Settlement Agreement can help reduce opportunities for conflict in the immediate aftermath. A Parenting Coordinator can assist co-parents during this challenging time and can also serve as a resource outside the court system indefinitely, in the event that new conflicts and issues arise.