The prospect of “getting free” from a relationship that has been troubled, and finding a new partner who will be “better,” propels many people forward through the slog of the separation and divorce process. As anyone associated in any way with this process can attest, there is not much else that seems positive a good part of the time.
Of course, a number of people leave one relationship with a new partner on the horizon, if not in the wings. The Parenting Plan, and sometimes the Marital Settlement Agreement, may include provisions concerning how co-parents will introduce a new partner to the children. Court Orders typically address this issue only if there has been testimony in the custody trial that demonstrates that one or both co-parents would, unfettered, have an approach to introducing new partners that could threaten physical health, safety or general welfare of the children.
In recognition of the fact that all members of the family go through a period of adjustment following separation, it is sometimes agreed that neither parent will introduce the children to a new significant other during the first-year, post-separation. At first glance, this may seem like a long time to wait. However, a provision such as this respects the fact that each family member may be ready to move on to a new life with different pacing. Waiting one year allows the children to experience one full calendar cycle of holidays, birthdays and vacations with their parents living in separate residences before the children are called upon to contend with a third person who could become a step parent.
This common twelve-month provision does not preclude either parent from dating during the first year post-separation if he or she feels ready to do so. Except in the rare instance where one-parent has sole residential custody and the other parent has only supervised access or no access at all – such as in the case of incarceration – a typical parenting time schedule usually leaves each parent with some time without the children. Relationships with potential new significant others can be pursued during this time, if this is desired.
Another common provision in Parenting Plans is that, when a new significant other is ultimately introduced, that person will be described accurately as a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend and that the other co-parent will be informed of the impending introduction before this occurs. This courtesy is extended to the other co-parent so that they might be prepared to respond to any reactions observed in the children. It should be noted that, particularly when the co-parents’ separation occurred in the wake of infidelity or when the co-parents do not continue to enjoy a similar lifestyle in the wake of the separation, the introduction of a new significant other often results in, at least temporarily, higher levels of conflict between the co-parents.
It is also commonly agreed upon in Parenting Plans that the new significant other will not be present overnight in one co-parent’s home without providing advance notice to the other co-parent. Often there are further agreements such as, that notice will be provided if engagement or marriage is anticipated, the relationship ends, or the significant other will be present at a particular soccer game or graduation. There also may be additional language stating that every effort will be made to maintain focus on the child’s experience over the new significant other’s attendance at these child-centered events.
In reading this you may be questioning why so much effort would be devoted to this topic, particularly when our technology-driven culture seems to treat beginning and ending intimate relationships so casually. Putting thought and effort into how new individuals enter the family is intended to help the children adjust to their new family structure and possibly orient themselves towards a transition to a blended family home. Additionally, by including these limitations in the Parenting Plan, co-parents demonstrate concretely their respect for each other as co-parenting partners and their understanding that the children will always have the same two biological parents, regardless of how life moves forward after divorce.