You can see how it could happen. A couple who is already having some trouble getting along at this particular moment is suddenly required to be together twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. They are alone in their home. Space may be limited. There are no observers, except maybe a pet or – worse – the children.
One partner may struggle to manage difficult emotions like anger, sadness, disappointment, and frustration. One partner may be having trouble sleeping. Abuse of substances such as alcohol may make this partner feel “better” in the short term, but ultimately reduce this partner’s capacity for clear thinking and judgment.
Something goes wrong. It could be a little thing like, the dinner is not ready at the precise moment when the partner feels hungry. Or it could be a bigger thing like, there’s no more toilet paper.
The partner is frustrated. The partner feels anger. The partner lashes out. Mean words are uttered. Threats or ultimatums are given. A wall is punched. An object is thrown. Someone is shoved. Someone falls.
It happens so fast.
If there is a gun or other weapon in the home, the danger is greater. Truthfully, though, most of us have sharp objects and other items in our residences that could be easily fashioned as weapons, should the desire arise. A person’s hands can become a weapon.
It’s no better if the injuries aren’t physical. Sometimes words do more damage. One partner may say things that break down the core of the other partner’s self esteem or go to the heart of their most vulnerable parts. Partners know things about each other than can be used in this way. When things were good, intimacies were shared.
Partners who are inclined towards control have virtually limitless powers during the stay-at-home orders of this pandemic. Isolation becomes not just social. It’s much easier for one partner to control the other when they are always together. One partner may preclude the other from having contact with friends and relatives. One partner may limit the other partner’s capacity to work thereby foreclosing immediate access to money, the potential to develop future opportunities that could fund independence, and the possibility of an avenue for getting support or – maybe – help. One partner may require the other to adopt strict daily behaviors and routines. One partner may require the other to be constantly visible within the confines of the home so there is no privacy, no break in the tension, no opportunity to leave. One partner may require sexual intercourse or other sexual favors on demand. One partner may limit the other partner’s access to necessities like food or use of the bathroom when needed.
Even partners who have a seemingly good relationship are not immune to an increased risk of domestic violence while we are trying to “flatten the curve.” The physical, psychological and emotional stress that the quarantines have placed upon us create new vulnerability. Capacities to self-regulate may get “used up” dealing with the new challenges of daily life. Simple things like gathering groceries take psychic energy that was not channeled this way before. The uncertainty of knowing when this will all end, and how this will all end, and whether we will even return to the “normal” we once knew consumes emotional resources for each one of us. Financial strain increases for many of us as the days and weeks pass. All of these things can increase the risk of domestic violence coming to visit your previously immune home.
So, take down this number: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800- 799-7233. Use it if you need it. Don’t be afraid to call 911. It could happen to any one of us. Don’t wait. Take action.
Stanley, Maclen (2020). Why the increase in domestic violence during COVID 19. www.psychologytoday. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/making-sense-chaos/202005/why-the-increase-in-domestic-violence-during-covid-19 [Accessed 21 May 2020.]
Taub, A (2020). A new COVID 19 crisis: Domestic abuse rises worldwide. www.newyorktimes.com Available at: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/06/world/coronavirus-domestic-violence.html [Accessed 21 May 2020.]