There are lots of different lists and resources available to co-parents but I would like to provide you with a few tips based upon my own work with separated and divorced families.
· Strive to remain positive at all times when talking about your co-parent. This is especially critical in the presence of the children. When you have been adversaries in Court recently or are at odds with your co-parent about something in particular that means a lot to you, the temptation to trash your co-parent may be great. Resist.
· Make it your mission to minimize conflict with your co-parent. When there is an option to get along and compromise, go that way. Try to give the other parent the “benefit of the doubt.” Continuing high conflict is the single biggest predictor of poor outcomes for children of separation and divorce. Conflicts with your co-parent should never be manifest in the vicinity of the children. The children should also never be asked to take a position in any dispute between you and your co-parent.
· Communicate directly with your co-parent. It may be difficult at times to convey more personal pieces of information - such as changes in address, marital status or employment - to your co-parent. However, it is often when it is most difficult for you to do the speaking that it is most important not to utilize the children as messengers.
· Let your co-parent go. Live your separate lives. Do what you need to do to come to a place of personal acceptance about the ending of the relationship. Respect the boundary of the other parent’s home and the other parent’s time with the children.
· Keep the lines of communication open and choose your words carefully. Agree upon how and when you will communicate – text, email, phone calls or in person. A weekly or monthly check-in, depending on the age and number of children as well as the complexity of their needs, can save time in the long run.
· Include your co-parent whenever possible. While you may not relish the sight of your Ex at every school event or soccer game, try to remember how you might feel in the other parent’s shoes if you were not permitted to be present at these ordinary parenting moments. Childhood is fleeting. You will always be parents together, but the occasions when you need to see each other will diminish over time as the children grow into adulthood.
· Respect the children’s world. Sometimes a parents’ grief over the loss of time with the children through separation or divorce is so great that they can see only their needs and desires in the moment. The focus is on their time, their weekend, their holiday rather than on what is happening in the children’s lives. Particularly as children become preteens and teens, parents need to be more sensitive to how and when their presence is appropriate within the children’s world of school, friends and activities.
· Follow the Court Order or Agreement. Regardless of whether you sat at the kitchen table and worked things out informally or had a multi-day trial in Court, you most likely spent valuable time arriving at something – a verbal agreement, a detailed Parenting Plan, a Court Order – that says “this is how it’s going to go from now on.” Follow through. Live what you agreed to or what the paperwork says. Do this for six months before you start changing any part of it. This will provide a reset for you, your co-parent and the children. It will reduce conflict because everyone will know – even if they don’t like – what is expected of them. You may find that the passage time clarifies what really works and what doesn’t in your agreement, Parenting Plan or Court Order.