To parents living under one roof who are struggling with suddenly having way too much time together, it may seem at first blush that co-parents living separately have it easier: there is a built-in “break” when the children transition to the other parent’s home. However, this presumes that co-parents are communicating and working together to follow their Agreement or Court Order in the midst of this cornavirus crisis.
An official Statement from the Maryland Judiciary on Matters Concerning Children and Families has now been issued to provide guidance to co-parents in this unforeseen time. This Statement explicitly says that existing orders relating to child custody, parenting time and child support remain fully in effect.
This probably sounds familiar to my existing Parenting Coordination clients. They know that I am of the mindset that the Court has the last word. In my experience, by the time clients come to me for parenting coordination, they both have typically spent a fair sum of time and money to arrive at their Agreement or Court Order. My beginning stance as Parenting Coordinator is that the Agreement or Court Order should be followed to a “T” for at least 6 months, even if the terms contained in these papers are not exactly what either parent would prefer. In the rare instance when there is unequivocal agreement to modify a term that both parties are willing to document in writing, I would assist the co-parents with this as long as the Agreement or Court Order allows it.
In my experience, this sort of unequivocal agreement to modify is rare among the subset of co-parents who typically come to me for Parenting Coordination. The more common scenario is that one co-parent wants to strictly follow the Agreement or Court Order and the other parent wants to be “flexible.” In my experience, living the Agreement or Court Order strictly for at least 6 months before even discussing any possible modifications – however small – is quite beneficial. Usually, this 6 month window enables both co-parents to have some time to work towards resolving within themselves any residual anger or frustration towards the other co-parent that may have been stirred up during the court process. Following the Order or Agreement strictly also enables all family members to have a level of certainty about how things are going to work that typically has not existed in the family for a while. Sometimes a term that initially was not pleasing or seemed unworkable proves surprisingly feasible. Overall, I find that following the Agreement or Court Order strictly for the first 6 months helps restore peace in the family.
COVID 19 has created unknowns for all of us that we likely never imagined we would have to face. Many of us are questioning our financial stability as we worry about staying well and keeping our loved ones healthy. As long as both co-parents remain physically well and able, following the Agreement or Court Order can help create a structure for the children in the days and weeks ahead.
If following the Agreement or Court Order is truly not possible due to the changed circumstances in which we find ourselves, the Maryland Judiciary’s Statement does permit co-parents to “jointly adjust their shared parenting responsibilities in ways that they agree are best for their children.” The bold “jointly” is the Maryland Judiciary’s clear direction to co-parents that any modifications must be undertaken only by express agreement. The guidance is clear: barring the unforeseen or a joint agreement, co-parents must follow the Agreement or Court Order on record even during the COVID 19 pandemic.