So you’ve decided to separate and you have children. You’re trying to figure out what this thing called co-parenting should look like. It’s hard, because you’re struggling to figure out what you are doing with yourself, let alone with the kids. The concept of having to talk to your Ex again may be quite unappealing. At the same time, there may be a lot of details that need to be ironed out, now that you are actually living in different residences. This is probably true even if you were able to come to some basic agreements with your former partner prior to the separation.
It may be helpful to think about co-parenting as a business partnership. Now, I know “partnership” and “Ex” are probably the last words you want to think about putting together when you’re splitting. However, after separation, the reality is that you continue to share with your former partner the “job” of raising your children to adulthood. You may not have thought about this in quite those terms before.
Think for a minute about how you normally communicate with and behave around your work colleagues. Do you flame up in your colleague’s faces at the slightest annoyance or frustration? Do you send emotional emails or texts? Do you throw things or yell in meetings?
I believe your answer is probably, “No.”
I am thinking you present yourself to your colleagues. You dress appropriately. You try to cooperate with any mission statement or overarching goals governing the work that you share. You express yourself with purpose. You choose your words carefully when speaking and writing. You re-read important written communications like emails before hitting “send.” You follow any plans that have been agreed upon. You schedule meetings in advance to accommodate different work schedules. You brain storm solutions when something goes wrong. You are slow to criticize and cast blame.
Your business style is your model for a good co-parenting relationship.
You may find it difficult at first to stop making assumptions about the other parent, their motives and their behaviors based upon what you already know from your shared past. This tendency may be exacerbated as long as you are engaged in court processes which pit you and your Ex against each other as adversaries. It may be necessary to remind yourself frequently about the kind of partnership you are working to form with your co-parent.
You may be saying to yourself “this sounds great and all, but you don’t know the person I’m dealing with here.” And to be fair, I do not have a handle on all the personality quirks and nuances of your former partner like you do. However, most of us have some people in our work environments with whom we find it more difficult to communicate. Tone of voice, choice of words, and means of communication are especially critical with your more difficult work relationships – and the same is true about your co-parenting relationship with your Ex.
There’s no question that dialing back from an intimate relationship to a business partnership can be challenging. We are accustomed to having our relationships progress forward from acquaintance to personal, not the other way around. You may already have some prior experience with trying to be “friends” with an Ex following the ending of a romantic partnership. This goal of going directly from “lover” to “friend” is common, but few succeed due to the complexity of the emotions for both partners. Someday you may be able to call your Ex a “friend.” For now, “co-parent” is good enough.