We have so many ways of staying connected these days. Our phones and watches give us an array of options at our fingertips.
But at the same time, we’re all so very busy. Technology enables us to be available all the time to everyone – not just those we care about the most. All of the email and messages, on top of the pace of modern life, are just plain overwhelming much of the time. And they can distract us – and ironically keep us from – staying connected to our partners.
That’s not to say that technology and connection are incompatible bedfellows. Many of my younger couples and clients measure the degree of closeness that they feel to their boyfriends and partners through the frequency of the snapchats and texts that they share throughout the day. I rarely hear about “too much” attention in this way unless things are not going well in other areas.
But for all couples, regardless of age, connection is something to be mindful of and work on. Checking in with each other is one easy ritual that can help fuel connection. A morning hug, an embrace heading out the door, or a kiss upon arriving home in the evening are a start. Bookmarking the comings and goings of the day in these or other similar ways can be fairly easily established as daily rituals if both partners are willing to make some effort.
The ritual may be extended to asking in the morning about what is planned for the day, and then following through later to learn what actually occurred. This shows continuing interest in your partner when you are apart. Knowing what each of you faces, muddles through, and achieves when you are not together helps you know each other through and through. It will also help you, in turn, to feel less alone as you go about your own business in the big wide world.
Further, in listening to the stories of each other’s days, over time you may find that you develop a sense of admiration for your partner’s skills and determination, or a greater respect for how hard he or she works to earn a living. Knowing that someone is interested in the minutia of your life can give you much needed energy to persist in the daily grind when things get hard. When your partner takes interest in what you are doing, hearing this as a caring gesture from someone who has only your best interests at heart can fuel you if you are open to this.
It can be tempting to brush past the check-ins on busy mornings, or to mumble a generic “Same old thing” at the end of the day if things have not gone well. Ironically, these moments when the temptation is greatest to bypass the check-in may present the best opportunities to connect with your partner. Just being there for each other – for better or worse as the traditional marriage vows say – can foster that sense of being a team as each of you takes on the tough things. Because it’s the little things that you share, cumulatively, over time, that grows that healthy, sustainable connection.
In the rough periods that most couples experience, “checking in” can be twisted and seen as a way of “keeping tabs.” This alternative word choice alone interjects a sense of negativity and distrust.
When you are struggling in other areas of your relationship, you will do well to try to keep the lens on your daily check in ritual as positive as you can. Remind yourself that staying connected is your goal. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and check in with genuine interest.